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reSLience… a.k.a. resilience

it's what lies within that really matters

Life has a funny way of surprising you. The unexpected happens and it can make you shake and scratch your head in some ways wondering how it all came about. I stared back at myself in the mirror today… closely examining the little lines starting to form around my eyes and my mouth – my laugh lines as my mom would say. I looked at my hair and wished for a haircut. I looked at my body and wished for a personal trainer and a quick trip to Thailand for a few enhancements (LOL!). Age kinda catches up with you. One day your mom’s hand just appears out of your sleeve and you are going… where did that come from.

Then, in an instant, we can be transported back to feelings and thoughts that we had almost 20 years ago and wonder how those memories can be so real when things have changed so much and I have become a totally different (hopefully improved) person since then.

I took a path almost 20 years ago that I was afraid to go down. I was in a really serious relationship -really my first love – and he told me we were destined to go separate ways – at least for a while. We were sitting at the top of the amazing Peaks I was just at with my family last weekend. He loved Phoenix but was off to see the world. He said he would never be happy just living in one place. He said he could see why I loved Flagstaff and could see me being a mom and a teacher and just loving every minute of that. Although it wouldn’t be until months later that we actually broke up, at the time, I think that was the foreshadowing.. that was the chink in the armor of our relationship. He had been my very best friend for years. He had been my inspiration and confident. I thought I would curl up and die when we said goodbye for the last time. We both cried that last day we saw each other and finally ended what needed to be ended.

When someone is that ingrained in your heart, it doesn’t seem as though you ever forget them. I lost an incredible amount of weight after our break up. I got in really good shape excessively working out to get out my anger. I went on a streak of dating several guys – none I could feel anything about – because my heart was so scarred. (I looked really good I might add but somehow haven’t ever found a way to look like that again… given how I got there… that might be a good thing!)

Any relationship after that became part of my goal checklist. It wasn’t really about love. It was about fun, laughter, etc but it was also about auditioning husbands. I wasn’t going to get left again like that. I wasn’t going to be old and not married and never have kids. I lived in fear of being alone.

Funny thing is… Dave kind of happened into my life that same way the drummer had years before. I wasn’t planning to date him. In fact, I was involved with someone else at the time who was very much on my goal checklist. Dave captured my heart and I saw in his eyes something I hadn’t seen in anyone else’s other than that silly guy years earlier. I have written lots about him and our marriage and our kids in my blog so I won’t digress now – you all you read my blog know how much I love him (and he knows too).

But… that life thing. That moment on the Peaks years ago all came flooding back to me with a simple email I got earlier in the week. The subject line read “What the FUCK!” Sorry for the profanity. I have to laugh – I don’t think I have ever gotten an email with that subject line before. Anyway… we had a short chat after that on gmail that went something like this:

K: pinches you to see if it is REALLY the Bryan I used to know, lol
B: yes it is ms kim, What up??!!!
K: how are you ?? πŸ™‚ so you are with the foo fighters? are you hot shit now… OR WHAT? (well warming up for them i mean)
B: i’m actually sitting under the stage (in my dressing room) there are playing there last two songs
K: nice! you suck
B: i walked off stage- took a hot shower-had a massage- another shower-dinner – now drinking
K: your life… is so… difficult πŸ˜›
B: this tour is fun – most suck
K: so are you touring with bluebird?
B: nope a band called year long disaster
K: oh god -what a name LOL is that your band too?
B: there drummer is in third eye blind?? he’s in japan
K: i love third eye blind πŸ˜‰
B: it’s a favor
K: nice!
B: i wish you could see where i’m at – dave just walked off stage – im online – 15,0000 peps screaming while we’re talking
K: i would love to!! but my RL is so crazy now though Bryan πŸ˜‰ we have 4 kids
B: of course you do – i knew you would
K: πŸ˜›
B: that’s great!!!!! lol I don’t wanna be sitting in dave g’s dressing room when he walks off stage – i think i godda go
B: time to do shots party!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had to share. I just felt like this was a rare glimpse into a life and experience I had longed for so much years ago when my heart was breaking. And yet, now, it feels so foreign, so far away, so remote from what my day to day existence is. And, I am so happy to have my husband and kids and career. It is challenging, it is safe, it brings me joy. I know his life brings him joy too, and challenges him. It is so incredible to be happy for someone like that… someone who broke my heart into a million pieces but is successful now and doing what he loves.

Each day…little and big decisions carry us to the place we are today. It goes back to that glass half full thing. It also goes back to the fact that even though things are sometimes super hard and you can’t see the forest from the trees if you just keep walking, and keep praying, and keep on keeping on, the master plan of what is supposed to unfold for your life on this planet will happen. Blessings abound in ways we can’t even imagine.

Talking to my drummer… he will always be my drummer even though that was years ago… made me so thankful for the things he taught me back then and the paths we have each lead since.

Cheers to forks in the road, paths less traveled and foreign ways of life so different from our own. Old? Maybe I am getting old… but it is a good kinda old. The old that makes my heart feel happy and complete… satisfied and full.. and thankful for that full crazy crew that is my day to day life in 2008. BUT either way I am no longer that broken and sad college girl without dreams from so long ago.

Cheers B! And cheers to dreams that sometimes don’t come true and all the great things you have going on in your crazy rock n roll life, B!


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